I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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