she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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