My first STD was from a foam party
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
