Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
