i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
