I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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