yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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