she woke up with a sticky ear
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
