My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
