Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
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