Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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