I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
