I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
