it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
