every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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