I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize