Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
