hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
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