Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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