Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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