I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
