dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize