**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
And then my night got REAL pukey
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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