You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
thus making me awesome and them whores
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
