I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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