Can i not drive my cunt home
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
