Hey man sorry I got all grabby
well you can't waste a boner
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
