textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
