i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
