you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Randomize
