do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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