He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
