those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
