mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Randomize