You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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