your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
