omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
