my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize