i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
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