Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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