When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
