He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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