Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
