last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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