Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
