when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
