Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Randomize
