I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
