we made out on top of his cat.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
