I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Randomize
