I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
