don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
