I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
