So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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