take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
