Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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