he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
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