when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
