oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
