After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
