Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Randomize
