Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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