just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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