Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
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